Last week there was an error with Leo’s column last week, the first part of his column was missing. We are running it again this week in its entirety.

My wife and I enjoy traveling, which includes taking a commercial plane trip every now and then. I don’t mind flying. It’s a unique experience, but, to be honest, flying makes me a bit anxious. Well, it’s not me, really, but rather my subconscious that does the worrying. I look forward to vacations to distant places but after arriving at the airport my subconscious mind goes to work.

For the record, my subconscious is remarkably stubborn, and at times, even rude; nothing I’ve suggested to it has changed its attitude either. It’s a well-known fact that air travel is much safer than driving a car, however, I don’t control the plane nor my subconscious, and unlike driving a car, we (the plane, my subconscious, and I) are soon five miles above the highway. As my smart-aleck subconscious likes to remind me, “Have a nice trip Leo but remember – your car won’t fall out of the sky if it loses power.”

Given this line of thought nagging at me, the resemblance of composure on my part while flying is something of a ruse. It begins shortly after taking a seat at the boarding gate, at which time my subconscious takes over the controls, and it goes like this:

Flight 236, Gate 15

These folks waiting at Gate 15 all look pretty standard. Hmm. No trouble makers near as I can tell. That big dude at the end of the aisle will be good to have on board, though, in the event we need to subdue a terrorist.

Finally, our turn to board. Why are we always near the last to get on the plane? Oh, no. It appears that all the overhead baggage bins for our carry-on luggage will be full by the time we reach 43A&B. Good grief! Should have paid for first class. They have room to waste in first class. Well, at least sitting at the back of the plane gives one the best chance of survival in the event of a crash.

Whew! Got the luggage stuffed in the last bin. What a relief! There are our seats! Woo hoo!

Why does it take some people an ice age to put their luggage away and sit down? Let’s get this party started. Sit down already, I say! Excuse me, stewardess, could you please ask that gentleman to sit down so we can proceed? Our vacation is waiting, and we’re already three minutes past our departure time.

OK, here we go – time for takeoff. It sure is a bumpy runway. Whoa, we must be doing over a hundred mph. Wonder why we’re not airborne yet? Too late to abort now. This two-hundred-ton concoction of hardware, humans, and high-test fuel better lift off quick or we’re all goners!

Uffdah! Finally in the air. Whew! Wait a minute. That crazy pilot is pulling up too fast. Hey Ace! This is an airplane, not a rocket!

Oh no. Now we’re banking hard left. We don’t have enough airspeed yet. We could slip out of the sky for goodness’ sake! Level out this bus, you fool!

OK. Finally leveling out. Good job. Three hours to our destination the pilot says. A tailwind may even get us ahead of schedule. Nice. Where are the snacks?

The salted nuts and apple juice were good as always. I’ll just get comfy, put my head back, and sleep this flight through. Nope. The seats are too upright. What ding-a-ling designed these blasted seats anyway? Leg room. I need leg room. I’ll just rest my head on the snack tray in front of me. This is pathetic. How do tall people fit in these planes anyway?

Whomp! Plop! Shudder! What’s all the bouncing about? Planes shouldn’t bounce. The wings are going to break off at this rate. It is turbulence, isn’t it? This is normal, right?

The pilot – “Sorry for the turbulence, folks. We’re going to pull up to 37,000 to see if we have a better ride there. Please stay seated and keep your seatbelts fastened for the time being.”

Ha! You couldn’t take my seatbelt off with a pry bar, buddy! I ain’t going anywhere. Oh, look at this bozo coming down the aisle who took the pilot’s message as an opportunity for his third bathroom break. Hey pal, why don’t you get a pizza, newspaper, and another cup of coffee while you’re out strolling about? Didn’t you hear what the pilot just said? Good grief! Don’t drink five cups of coffee before boarding next time.

The pilot – “We’ll soon begin our descent folks. The weather is great at our destination with 80 degrees and calm seas. We are expecting to land in twenty minutes. Thank you for flying with us.”

OK, fine. You’re welcome. But let’s complete the deal, eh? We’re still at 30,000 and dropping fast. Pay attention.

The ground is coming up quickly. Slow it down, no, not that slow. Get ‘er level. Better. OK, easy, easy, Bang! TOUCHDOWN! Yay! Now hit the brakes. HIT THE BRAKES ALREADY!

Whew! Nice flight. Where are the pilots? I want to shake their hands. Smart people, those pilots are. Talented. Very talented bunch. Good to be on the ground. I can see that I’m no longer needed here. Over and out.

“Well, it sure was a nice flight, wasn’t it, honey? Would you want to stop somewhere to eat first or head straight to the beach?”

Leo is retired and lives in rural Cook with his wife, Lindy. He is the author of three books, She Won’t Mow the Daisies, The Cabin Experience, and Life Over Easy. Leo can be contacted by email at llwilenius@gmail.com.